I was ecstatic to receive the Fifty Shades of Grey Keep Still Over the Bed Cross Set
from Lovehoney, and I want to preface this review by saying I’m the kind of person that looks for the best in everything. I’m an optimist. I find things to like about people that annoy the crap out of me and can usually find a silver lining in most situations.
That being said, I kind of hated this product.
I know, I know… Hate is a strong word. I usually reserve that word for people who kick puppies and the person who decided that the work day should start at 9 am (really, would 11 am be too much to ask for?) However, I also hate bad design, and upon receiving the Fifty Shades of Grey Keep Still Over the Bed Cross Set I realized just how many design flaws this product had. Also, let’s make a rule to keep product names shorter in the future too because the Fifty Shades of Grey Keep Still Over the Bed Cross Set is the world’s longest name (I’m just going to call it the “Keep Still Set” for the most part).
I should note that I only briefly tried out this product because, as soon as I strapped in my partner, the nylon strap holding the D-ring that attached to the wrist cuff ripped right off. He’s an average size guy (190 lbs, 5’11”) and he wasn’t trying to free himself. Lovehoney
has the best return policy
of any toy store (one year to return any toy you don’t like), but honestly, my short experience with this product was more than enough and I didn’t really want to repeat the experience (I did try it long enough to be able to properly review it
Fifty Shades of Grey Keep Still Over the Bed Cross Set contains the restraint kit, a simple (but functional) blindfold, a ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign, and instructions. Upon unboxing, the Keep Still Set seems a bit overwhelming as soon as you realize just how many nylon straps this thing is made of. If this is the first bondage product someone has purchased, which seems likely given the 50 Shades of Grey branding, I imagine this could be a really intimidating.
I’m not a fan of how this product is set up, but I think it made a bad first impression on me because we were already in the mood and ready to go (and not feeling particularly patient) when we decided to set it up. Learn from my mistakes: setting it up is a mood killer, especially if it’s the first time you’ve set it up, and should be done in advance. Assembly, which I’ll explain in a moment, isn’t really all that difficult, but it definitely took us about 3-5 minutes to assess how to get the Over the Bed restraint set onto the bed. At the time, I found this immensely irritating since other light bondage sets we’ve played with were simpler to set up.
It’s probably my fault for not anticipating it since it’s called an “over-the-bed” cross set, but I hadn’t realized I would need to take everything (except my fitted sheet) off the bed to set it up. You could probably leave the blankets still on, but any bunching of the blankets underneath me would have driven me crazy, and I opted for removing them. Being the practical person that I am, all I could think about as I removed all the pillows and blankets from my bed was that post-orgasm I was going to have to get and reassemble everything before going to sleep. Call me lazy, but I wasn’t thrilled about this.
To setup the Fifty Shades of Grey Keep Still Over the Bed Cross Set
you connect the upper gray nylon pieces and place around the top of the mattress (width-wise) and then do the same for the bottom nylon straps. Since it requires lifting the bed and sliding the straps underneath, we found it was much easier to put on if you had two people setting it up. This would definitely be an issue for people with certain physical limitations or anyone who cannot lift large objects.
Given how this product sits on the bed, it’s important to note that it will not fit on a twin-size bed. We have a full-size bed, and although it fit on our bed, it did so pretty loosely, and there was no way to pull the black straps, which form the “X” you’re restrained on, taught. This made it uncomfortable to lay on since the nylon was bunched underneath me when I laid on it, and the loose straps made it feel less than restraining, but also made it I’d recommend using on a queen size bed or larger for better results. We didn’t have a bigger bed to test it on, but I think that a larger bed would have helped a lot.
The Keep Still Set isn’t something you can just leave on, you’ll have to take it off after your done with it if you want to use your bed for sleeping purposes. The box the Keep Still Set originally arrived in wasn’t very large and unless you’re someone who excels at refolding maps, there’s a slim chance you’ll be able to put it back the way you found it. This leaves you with the option to either spend a long time rolling up each of the nylon straps and securing them with a rubber band or (my preferred method) leaving it in a messy tangled heap. Maybe providing a storage bag would have helped, but there’s a good chance you’d have to untangle it before each use regardless.
I think I got off to on the wrong foot with this product. I was instantly annoyed at having to take everything off the bed and that it required more setup time than I expected. I was also irritated that it would have been difficult for me to put on the bed alone. We could have solved these issues somewhat by planning better and setting it up in advance. I’ve also never tried a restraint kit that goes over the bed before so maybe I should have known that this is how they normally go on. These are all things that probably colored my experience with the Keep Still Set negatively, but aren’t really the toy’s fault.
Still, this toy was a disappointment. After removing my possible personal bias from the equation, and assuming the strap had not broken (which may have been a loose thread or minor manufacturing error) the Fifty Shades of Grey Keep Still Over the Bed Cross Set was unwieldy to set up, impossible to adjust (for a full-size bed), and a disaster to store away. I think Lovehoney has far better options for restraining your partners, although I haven’t had the opportunity to try any of them yet.